What Community? #80: Enough, people. A redundant rant.

[Still fucking huge.]
Baseball just does not know how to regulate its image with any kind of smarts. Why is everybody involved in that sport so fucking righteous and obnoxious? Even when A-Rod talks with candor about his shit, people get riled up to say he's the devil. Granted, I've not read all that much about this, but, shit. He said it was a "loosey-goosey" time. And boy was it lucrative. Why do people play into these roles? Of course it's absurd how much money he makes! He can do things that few other humans can. Same with Bonds. And, again: that shit was tight to watch! Turning a blind eye and smirking is disingenuous but it's not the end of the world. All this backtreading hoopla involving the Senate and all that crap is worse, somehow, because all it is, at bottom, is a way for some assholes to feel better about being assholes to other assholes whose daily summer performances make them less asshole-y and more god-like than the real humans they are, which, in turn, makes us assholes feel less asshole-y and, if we're lucky, lifted by the sight of something beyond us, beyond our capabilities and our stations. I mean, yes, it's annoying that these dudes "cheated," I guess, but it's not like either A-Rod or Bonds got a ring out of the deal. Goes to show that MLB can't spin anything into positivity in the end. Cuz, honestly, when it comes to Giambi, who was doping when he was smashing for my Oakland Athletics, I'm pretty okay with it because, well, he accepts his guilt, he continues to smash and I had a ton of fun watching those 2001 A's, as that was probably the best baseball team I've ever seen assembled. Sports shouldn't be a theatre for morals! It's spectacle and flight of fancy, it should be fucking fun. Gah. That's why I watch more and more and more basketball. That, and, well, the NBA is now back to always awesome highlights. This past week? Amazing. But, enough, I know. Cutting it off...right about...NOW! --RWK

What Community? #52: Little League MGMT

This is one of those things I wish I'd've posted before the post just below this because this is a trifle and that one is kinda serious. But, hey, this is just for fun. And the fact that whoever made this video likes little league baseball and MGMT is pretty great. Or, you could assume that person just has a crush on Karl Ravech from his earlier BBTN hall of fame personality. I do. Those were the days, when Harold and PG flanked Ravy, not lumberjack idiots like Kruk and this fool, Orestes Destrade. Altho, to be fair, Orestes can probably throw down hard in the club. All along the Western front... --RWK [via Tirico Suave]

What Community? #49: Baseball breeds brains, crazy.

First we have Shane Victorinio inventing a new turn of phrase that makes my brain fart a big "Whu?" Or: "Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. You don't ask the questions? Or you won't tolerate the questions? Huh?" If this catches on with the likes of Stuart Scott and Neil Everett I'll definitely get Ed Abbey and kill my TV (but not my precious internet).

Next we have Orel Hershisher's Joker impression. Since The Sports Hernia Blog had me LOL'ing (it's one of those dreary days), I'll just copy what they've got to go along with these pictures that I've stolen:

ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball was already off the charts tonight with their new 'bathroom stall' camera feature, but the stunning presence of a completely insane Orel Hershiser, proud new owner of the greatest Joker portrayal to date, simply stole the show.

Did John Miller forget to wear pants? Did Steve Phillips suddenly go back to his part-in-the-middle look when the camera panned away? Did Elaine give him the Uncle Leo treatment and paint angry eyebrows on his face? Whatever it is, this normally mild-mannered individual wants to kick the living shit out of everyone.

At this point Hershiser has the entire nation mentally crippled in a highly uncomfortable and paranoid state, yet John Miller thinks the guy is an absolute ray of light, like he's making god damn balloon animals and handing out cotton fuckin' candy.

What happened to this dude? If an alien tears out of his stomach and hops on Miller's head to act as an unflattering toupee, we won't exactly be surprised.

I can say no more. --RWK [both via The Sporting Blog's Morning Constitutional]

What Community? #41: Chuck's vision of Philly.

Chuck doesn't know as much about baseball as he does about basketball but he seems to know a thing or two about Philly and double standards. It's an obvious argument, sure, but that's why people like Chuck: he'll say shit. His punchline here is worth the whole video. Cuz it's probably true. --RWK [via]

What Community? #37: The Yankees' grooming rules.

When Jason Giambi left so many Oakland Athletics fans crying there was a lot of fake news about how he'd have to clean up his look from everybody's nightmare of a biker (sleeveless t's showing off scary tats, long greasy hair in the face, a goatee for days) into one of the shrewd elite Steinbrenner demands his players transform into overnight. A similar discussion popped up about Johnny Damon's idiotic caveman look going away when he turned traitor to his beloved Sawks fans. Well, now they both live and work in New York and classy they have become. Or, maybe just Johnny Damon; at least he looks clean. Giambi, on the other hand, has taken a new route back to crazy. If you remember Don Mattingly (or see him on the bench), you know that the organization tolerates mustaches. Seems like Giambi bought into that. But what began as a kind of faint, vaguely funny look is now a scary, outright insane lifestyle choice. For all we know he could be riding that Harley upstate after games to blow off steam -- and murder happy, young couples necking on lovers lanes all over the NorthEast. Or, you know, he could simply be using the look to intimidate pitchers. Look at that on-air stat: since growing the 'stache, he's been on fire. Don't try to tell me his facial hair hasn't gotten into the heads of hurlers the country over. I know he's the best post-roids player ever but, sheesh, this is just another advantage he's using right in plain sight, an advantage condoned by the league and his team without comment, an advantage I'm surprised hasn't caught on across MLB. Just wait. By the next decade, everybody will be wearing a stache. Then it'll be the clean cut guys who look crazy -- and, of course, girly. --RWK

[Pic 1 is from June 24th, Pic 2 is from May 28th. There's talk that he's gone and died the stache for the ultimate in crazy.]

(NOT) Genius Marketing #22 Scott Kazmir helps ladies.

"Makes the A's ad campaign look like it's directed by Spike Jonze" -- Carlton. [via]

Headlines #1: Yanks' Wang silences BoSox in masterful outing; Giambi delivers winning shot

The ESPN.com recap's headline to last night's prime time show down. They even abbreviated "Yankees" to "Yanks." Come on; I want that job. --RWK

(NOT) Genius Marketing #14: Lima Beans

There's some foolproof logic at work here, I'll tell you what. That and a funny accent. Oops, did I say/type that? BTW: Chocolate > lima beans. --RWK [via]